10 Things I Have Learned: Holiday Edition
Spoiler alert: You don’t have to do it all.
My first baby was born on December 23. I came home from the hospital on Christmas Eves. We lived five hours from our family and anticipated their visit to meet our son. I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to host extended family exactly two days after 25 hours of labor. I will blame my innocence for having no idea what birth recovery and taking care of a newborn would require of me. Not only did I host guests, but I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from the hospital. Why? Looking back, I feel a tenderness for the younger me, just wanting to be a good host and do her best.
Six kids later, and with 32 Christmas seasons as a mother under my belt, I have learned a few lessons on how to make the season more peaceful and doable.
Often, we have high expectations for this season. We want to make it magical and special for our families when we look at all the events, advent activities, and gifts to buy. As caregivers, our responsibilities don't end just because it is the holiday season. In some ways, this season can be more difficult for a caregiver. We still have to do all the things while dealing with grief, jealousy, and fatigue.
We put heavy burdens on ourselves: especially the burden of high expectations for ourselves and the season.
I want this season to be one of openness and spaciousness. I want to help you lay aside some of the heavy burdens, cultivate peace, and eliminate the expectations we bring to this season so you can enjoy the moments God has for you.
Here are some lessons I have learned:
1. Lower the bar.
I am giving you permission to do only some of it. A few years ago, I was sharing with my small group all that was on my plate and how I could not feel joy, just anxiety, and my wise friend Dustin said, "Lower the bar." For an overachieving, get-it-done-and-check-it-off girl like me, I had never considered this. So this is my annual PSA reminding you that you do not have to do it all. You can do less. Actually, it would be best if you did less. Where can you lower the bar of your expectations for yourself and for the season? This act of lowering the bar can help to relieve you of unnecessary stress and allow you to focus on what truly matters.
Where can you simplify? Skip cookie baking? Or only backe two kinds of cookies? Simplify the gift buying? Sit down and list all that you want to do, and ask how can I do less?
2. Plan your absence.
December is busy with school and church programs, holiday parties, etc. Plan right now what you are going to skip. Choose one thing to skip and give yourself permission, especially if it doesn't fit your family's needs. I chose to take a break from therapies and doctor appointments in December. What can you skip this season?
3. Allow yourself to grieve.
The Christmas season often comes with grief: grief for what we hoped our families would look like, or grief that we can't do what other families can do. I dreaded the holiday season for years because it wasn't peaceful; our children with challenging behaviors were home from school and often overstimulated. It is ok to grieve that. Name what you are grieving, write it in a journal, and tell God about it - he can handle it. This is a necessary step - naming what we are feeling and grieving. Sara Clime says, "Grieving the “should be” is essential to fully embrace what is."
4. Create space for yourself.
Yes, you have permission to do what is best and life-giving for you. Give yourself the gift of one practice. Pick one practice you will engage in. I get up early, have tea, and pray by my Christmas tree during December. You can pick what works for you. What makes your soul light up? Getting your favorite drink at a coffee shop? Reading a great book before bed? Pick one thing, and don't feel guilty for doing it. This act of creating personal space is not a luxury, it's a necessity. It helps you to recharge and be more present for your loved ones.
5. Decide once.
This practice has saved my sanity more than once. I always think I can do more, and the holidays offer many opportunities to keep piling on activities and commitments. So look at the month and look at one thing you can decide on right now. Maybe that is what you are making for or bringing for a holiday dinner or how often you will be involved in extra services at church. Decide now so you won't make poor decisions after a month of decision fatigue.
6.. Don't let others choose for you.
You are allowed to say no. This one is hard because not only do we put expectations on ourselves, but we often have other family members put expectations on us. Does your mom want all her grandkids to go to the late service and have hot chocolate and cookies afterward? This would have been a disaster for our daughter; I had to learn to say no in a respectful way. We have to think about how you can adapt to fit your family's needs. So, in this example, I can let my other kids go to the church service, but send my daughter home early with my husband. Sometimes, the answer needs to be a kind but firm "No." Remember, clear is kind, and no can be a complete sentence.
7. Be present and keep it simple.
Holiday memories are built on presence, not perfection. Kids value your time with them over any present or activity. You have permission to keep it simple.
I promise you they will remember your presence more than the elaborate gifts. How do I know? I have adult kids who have told me this; yes, they will reminisce about the fun gifts, but I am here to tell you they will not remember the nights you're served cereal for dinner - they will remember you. Your presence is the most valuable gift you can give, and it will be cherished more than any material possession.
8. Pay attention to what is right in front of you. And have the courage to slow down (even if no one else does).
I love this quote:
“True spaciousness of the soul has the will and courage to experience things as they are” - Christina Valters Paintner, The Artist’s Rule
It is easy to think of how our holidays are not what we hoped for, or when we lost it with a kid or didn't make it to an event we had hoped we could attend. With all the planning, we must remember to see what is right in front of us. We miss the small, beautiful moments amid this beauty season.
9. Write a letter to your future Christmas self.
This has been one of my favorite and most helpful practices. After the holidays, I usually do this the week before New Year; find a quiet spot, make a date with yourself, grab your favorite hot beverage, and reflect on the season. Answer the following (download this free worksheet if it’s helpful):
This is what I want to remember
This is what worked
This is what didn't
Next year, I want more of...
Next year, I want less of…
When did I feel peace?
When did I feel anxious?
How can I make the season easier next time?? (Yes, you are allowed to think about yourself)
Please put this letter somewhere you will remember to look at next year and set a reminder on your phone to read it before December 1.
This has helped me look back and see what worked and what didn't (like when I thought we could read the Christmas devotional and send them all off to bed by candlelight—a four-year-old will use a taper candle like a lightsaber, FYI). It helps me make wiser decisions moving forward and reminds me of how much fun and crazy things happened during the previous seasons.
10. Remember God is with you.
Finally and most importantly, this season is because God became flesh and made his home among us. God promises to be with us always. In her beautiful book Even After Everything: The Spiritual Practice of Knowing the Risks and Loving Anyway, author Stephanie Duncan Smith reminds us that love is with us all the way. There is nowhere for us to go when God is not with us.
She writes, “Love is the face that will never let us go. May we be the ones to take heart, who sing anyway even after everything, knowing how deeply we are held.”
My prayer for you is that you make space for peace and remember that you are deeply held by our loving God this season.
Peace,
Amy